6 ways to romantically detach from someone without cutting them off entirely (2024)

Is it possible to split up with someone without completely cutting them out of your life?

When I was younger, I would have told you it was impossible. And maybe I would have been right.

When you’re younger and less experienced, relationships tend to be a lot more volatile. They can be a rollercoaster die of ups and downs, and while the highs are fantastic, when you hit the lowest point, things usually implode.

At the end of that kind of extreme relationship, we’d normally decide we hated each other and never wanted to see each other again. Well, that was it.

But as I got older, I experienced less impassioned and more mature relationships. Even though they’ve all ended except my current one (that’s normally the way), they haven’t all necessarily ended in angst-filled heartbreak.

Instead, I realized that it was still possible to spend time or even be friends with someone who didn’t work out romantically.

It’s certainly not always easy to maintain some form of relationship with an ex, but it is possible. If you want to know how to do it, strap in and check out these six ways to romantically detach from someone without cutting them off entirely.

1) Cut ties, but only temporarily.

One of the best ways to keep someone in your life, at least in some way, is actually quite counterintuitive.

When you break things off, emotions are almost always going to run high. I can count on one finger the number of relationships I’ve been in where we both just decided it wasn’t going anywhere without any drama at all.

But if you know you have to end things, you can ask for a period of no contact and also stick to that yourself.

If you don’t want to cut the person off completely, that means you still have some affection for them. If you’re the one doing the breaking up, you’ll feel bad and worry about them. You’ll want to call or text and see if they’re OK.

Don’t.

Everyone needs time and space after a breakup. We need to get a hold of our feelings and also let the reality of our situation set in.

I had a girlfriend a long time ago split up with me and really break my heart. It was vicious. But even worse was that she kept calling me and even meeting me just to see if I was OK.

I wasn’t, but I also couldn’t process things at all because every time she contacted me, it gave me hope that we might get back together. It didn’t really sink in until I ended up moving away – only then was I able to deal with my feelings.

Trust me, this is an awful way to break up.

Instead, give them time, and eventually, you’ll probably be able to meet up again and be OK.

2) Do it quickly.

I hate to sound like an old cliché, but ripping the Band-Aid off is a lot better than peeling it away slowly.

And you really have to do the same thing with a relationship that needs to end.

Look, I don’t know why your relationship isn’t working out, but you do. If you think there’s still something valuable between you and the other person, then you’re probably right.

But that doesn’t mean they share your assessment.

So you may think that suddenly calling things off is going to shock and hurt them, right?

It will.

But dragging things along will hurt both of you even more.

It’s so much better to just get it over with. Stop worrying about their feelings because you simply can’t help but hurt them. Don’t pretend you still have those feelings when you don’t.

If you do it quickly, you’re at least showing them that you care and respect them, even if you know you have to hurt them.

And once it’s done, if you want to build a different kind of relationship like a friendship, it will be based on honesty and respect.

3) Make boundaries and stick to them.

Sometimes in life, we get together with people who are great, but we just make a terrible couple with them. We could be toxic together or, as is so often the case, so similar that it’s almost like dating ourselves.

Yes, you and your soon-to-be-ex might make a terrible couple, but you might make really good business partners, co-parents, or friends.

So why cut them off completely?

Well, if you’ve ever had the kind of yo-yo relationship that I used to always find myself in when I was younger, you’ll know why.

You break up but then get back together, and this keeps happening again and again. It could be the ex-sex, fear of being alone, or just convenience, but there’s always something pulling you back into their orbit.

But you know it’s bad for you.

So, if you want to spit up but still manage to keep that person in your life in some capacity, the only thing to do is to set firm boundaries and stick to them.

You might need to make rules like no physical contact or never being alone together. You could tell yourself that you won’t take their calls after dark or drive them anywhere anymore.

Whatever you need, set the boundary and learn to respect yourself by sticking to your rules. You’ll probably also need to inform your ex of where your new boundaries lie.

4) Define a new relationship.

Sometimes, you just end up in the wrong relationship with the right person. Or have I got that backwards?!

You might meet someone who you form an instantaneous, deep connection with. You might feel the tingles all over and the butterflies in your stomach that tell you this is an exciting person you need to keep in your life.

But does that mean they can only be one thing to you – a romantic partner?

I have a friend named Ashook who’s really outgoing and superbly empathetic. As a result of this, he meets lots of great people.

He also seems to fall in love with someone new almost every month.

He’s not polyamorous, if that’s what you were thinking. He just seems to get so deep into new people that he catches feels just like that <snap!>. He sees something beautiful and wonderful in almost everyone, but that doesn’t mean he has successful relationships.

Quite the opposite – he falls out of love just as fast. But once he does and things don’t work out, he ends up keeping a surprising number of exes as friends. Anywhere you go with Ashook, you’re bound to run into someone he knows. “We dated for a bit,” he always whispers.

Uh-huh.

The point is that some people match exceptionally well with us, but maybe just as friends. Once you define that new relationship, you might find that both of you are a whole lot happier.

5) Go to their supporters.

Relationships are almost always a lot more complicated than just two becoming one (thanks, Spice Girls!).

When we get involved with a partner, we get entangled in their other relationships with friends, family, and even coworkers. And it can be really hard to disentangle ourselves as each of these threads is a connection that can tie us in place.

But when you need to call it quits with someone romantically, you might also have to break up with their friends and family, too.

This can be incredibly hard as they may, too, have found a special place in your heart. So it makes sense to go to them and talk about how your relationship changed.

Note the past tense – don’t do this before you go to your partner first!

When everyone else knows what has changed with you, it will be easier to accept the break-up and move on from it. But if no one knows, your ex can lie to themself and try to continue business as usual.

6) Try to understand them.

So far, I’ve been talking about what to do if you need to break up, but what if you’re the one broken up with?

Do you have to go no-contact to get over the heartbreak?

Many people would feel they have to just to deal with the pain, but there’s another way.

If they broke up with you but didn’t want to cut you off, it means they still appreciate you and want you in their life. So, trying to understand why they needed this change can help you see things more clearly.

You’ll probably appreciate them more, too, and be able to accept each other in a different way.

Final words

Breaking up is hard to do, but these six ways to romantically detach from someone without cutting them off entirely can help.

Sometimes, we just have to accept that a person we really care about makes a better friend than they do a partner, so why not have a great friend?